The Secret To Your Child's Tantrums

They creep in the wrong places. They begin at the wrong time. They drive you nuts. They make YOU want to cry or yell! What are we talking about? Tantrums! Your child’s tantrums are no walk in the park but, I’m here to tell you that tantrums are.. right! Yes you read that correctly. Tantrums are not wrong, they are necessary, and today I will explain why and how to deal with tantrums more effectively.

Stop Stopping The Tantrum

Simply said tantrums are the child’s physical way of releasing any steam, hurt, emotional pain. When a child is withholding emotional build up and their emotional needs are not being met they will need to cry, scream, kick, etc. It can be very stressful on the parent/caregiver. However, many parents will agree and note that after a child's tantrum episode there usually is a rise of energy and happiness that follows. Other times the child might fall asleep for some much needed rest. So, all in all, let them cry, let them scream, let them release it. We all occasionally have breakdowns and crying can really make it all better.

But wait! First make sure their physical needs are being met!

Sometimes a child is grumpy and frustrated because they are either hungry, holding in their pee, in pain, feeling sick, overstimulated, and/or tired! First make sure that their physical needs are met because that can simply solve the problem and help your child feel better. There have been countless times where my middle child was crying and grumpy and I realized she had been too distracted with whatever she was doing to stop and go pee. First thing I'd do is sit her on the toilet even if she kicked and screamed that she didn't need to go, but of course she did end up going. She'd feel much better and then we could calmly move on with whatever else she may had been frustrated about, like a broken toy or her sister not sharing.

If you know that the tantrum is not due to a physical need then it is likely an emotional issue and that is what this post is about!

Also, I just want to say, growing up I remember moments where I was upset and crying and my mom or grandma telling others "she's just tired", which was probably the case a lot of the times if it was later at nighttime. However, don't always jump to these conclusions because that isn't fair to our children if we are playing down their feelings, fears, and/or concerns. Instead try asking your child if they are tired. If you know for sure they are tired then of course its understandable but let's not make it a blanket statement to excuse ourselves.

How do I Deal With Tantrums

Obviously tantrums are not pretty, but the best thing you can do for your child when he/she is crying is simply, be there for them! If you are in a public place stepping away from the crowd can give you both the privacy you need. During the crying you need to reassure your child that you are there for them if they need it. And they really do need. However, there are some tantrums that occur where they child might kick you away or "banish" you away. You simply need to step away and give them a bit of space and remind them that you are there for them whenever they are ready. Its best however to stay in the same room as your child and make yourself seem busy, but readily available. The reason being is so that the child feels they are important and worth your time. Most of the time children are raised to believe that tantrums are bad behavior, but children really can't control it. They physically need to release the emotional pain.

When the tantrum hits, remind them that you love them. Tell them you can see that they are hurt/sad. Tell them you understand them. Remind them how important they are to you and that you will help them get through it. When you do this, your child will feel loved, cared for, important, and supported. It is not necessary to speak to them during the entire outburst. Let them cry, and intervene every few minutes to say "I love you". Let them cry some more then say "it's going to be okay, Mommy's here". If it's a very tough, sweaty, extreme, tantrum you may need to intervene a little more often.

What Leads To Tantrums?

Lack of connection. Life today is a lot more fast paced than ever before. Today, children are very busy. Whether it's day care, school, sports, extra curriculars children and parents are running around. Throughout these busy schedules there usually is a lack of connection. Simply looking at your child in the eyes and having conversations with them is very helpful. "Bad behavior", which is not really bad behavior is due to disconnection. It's really a cry for love. I'm sure you've heard that children who act out to get attention do so because they only receive it when they misbehave. That is what they are asking for, attention. When there is a lack of connection you are not understanding the child and it's more difficult to get them to "listen" to you, cooperate, and work together with you and your family.

Parent Through Connection VS Coercion (fear)

Adults, elders, teachers, family members etc. deserve respect correct? Well so do children. Let's not forget. We teach them to respect their elders. When we respect each other there is a better connection. Parents often use their superior role and use fear upon the child to get them to do what they want. For example, we may say things like "if you don't clean your room, I'm taking away tv time" or "if you don't finish your dinner we're not going to get ice cream later". Using fear to get what you want is a form of disrespect and ultimately, its bullying. We teach our children to not bully but, we need to set the example. Use your words, use communication, use kindness. When we use fear to control our kids they end up building that emotional pain which then leads to the tantrum outburst, then you have to go back and try to fix the emotional pain by reassuring them and making it all better. It is much easier if you parent through connection from the beginning.

“Let's raise children who won't have to recover from their childhoods.”
-Pam Leo Author of Connection Parenting

Parenting through connection gives you better results. When you get down to their eye level and explain to them that cleaning their room will make it easier for them to find things that are lost. Then you show them how to clean their room and do it with them it will make it easier for your child to understand and learn. You can say something like "I understand it's hard work to clean up and not always fun to do, but cleaning up at the end of the day can be rewarding and lead to a better day tomorrow". Or "we need to have a little bit of the good food in your tummy before having some ice cream later, whats the matter are you still full from your snacks earlier? Do you not like your dinner?". We often forget to question why a child may not be eating their dinner. They are not always being defiant or distracted. They may just not really want to eat especially if they've been snacking, feeling sick, or just dislike the food. When we are more connected to our children we step into their little innocent world and understand them better.

“However we treat the child, the child will treat the world.”
-Pam Leo Author of Connection Parenting

But, It's So Hard To Keep My Patience And Cool

I know!! it really is a difficult task. Whether you've been trying to get out the door for the past 20 minutes, but they still haven't got dressed or they are loudly banging the table repeatedly even after you've asked them to tone it down multiple times. They begin an outburst due to feeling frustrated they begin screaming and crying, you're telling them you're there for them and they respond with "go away I don't like you!". You suddenly become triggered and want to yell back but, you know it's not the right thing to do. I know. I've been there! Most of our parenting patterns stem from the way we were raised and treated during our childhood. You may say that you are not like your parents, but there is a recorder in the back of our brain that never forgets. The moments we were yelled at or even humiliated by a parent/caregiver replay in these moments when our kids are experiencing tantrums and they're yelling and frustrating you. You want to say "what are you crying for?" "thats nothing to cry about" "stop crying!" because that's what we were told. These recorders play subconsciously in our brain. So, don't feel bad about it and don't go yelling at your own parents telling them they did it all wrong. They usually are doing the best they can.

"You cant teach children to behave better by making them feel worst. When children feel better, they behave better."
-Pam Leo Author of Connection Parenting

Whenever you become triggered step back and take a breather. Go relax and gather your thoughts. Remember that you're breaking the cycle by doing so and that will help your child parent relationship. Then, you can return and be calm enough to support your child.

Will they ever stop??

Ideally the stronger the connection between mother and child the less likely that they will experience tantrums and rebellion as teenagers. Obviously tantrums really can get in the way of daily life especially if they are happening consistently. I am not telling you to accept that. I am explaining why tantrums occur and that they just need to happen sometimes. If we try to be more patient and understanding with our children, while also making eye contact and giving them smiles and love, then tantrums will be rare.

My Experience

Parenting is not an easy task. There are so many parenting styles and opinions out there. I always try to be fair and take the childs feelings into consideration which is why I steered away from a authoritarian parenting style. I've always had conversation with my children and have always been very compassionate. A couple years ago I came across a book that supported my reasoning called, Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. It taught me so much more and it taught me how to parent through tough situations. Connection Parenting includes journal entry prompts to helps us heal from childhood traumas, so that we can be more healthful parents. There's a lot of parenting advice out there that tells us what not to do, but this book teaches us how to do it right and uses many examples of what to say to our children.

I am not perfect and still am working on better connection with my children everyday. I wanted to share another perspective to what many believe are negative outburst (tantrums/bad behavior). I wanted to explain that tantrums occur when our child is most vulnerable, when they need us the most, and when they do not need to be pushed away further. I like to gift this book to new expectant mothers to help them see things from another point of view in hopes it can open their eyes and understand children better. On the other hand it can help parents heal from childhood traumas.